Thursday, March 1, 2012

Mike & Molly do the Oscars 2012

Well, hello there. 

I could give you a long list of apologies, explain all I've been up to, etc., but I'll just say, its really nice to see you, too.
We can catch up in due time; right now we have an academy award show to recap! Finally!

So lets talk fashion.

Joining me today is my witty, hilarious, ginger-haired man-friend, Mike. 

Lets do this.
MollyMarler: Zoe. I respect that you are a fashion risk taker, and even sample size (word is this dress was on a runway one week prior), but I'm just not down with this look, simply because the satin looks cheap and your hair looks like you just threw up. 
I've seen her do so much better. 

Mike Robbins: Anyone else surprised this is still going on?  Tom does not age b/c he's a robot.  Or he’s in a cult. Replace Cruise with James Vanderbeek, and I think you have the prom photo from Dawson’s creek.  Not loving this bang trend ladies… takes a while to grow those babies out. Tom, watch out before Pacey comes and kicks your tiny ass. Tom- B, Katie C+ As a couple B-.  
They didn’t wow.
MM: I actually like their look; its cohesive without being too matchy, and she is just gorgeous. Of course I couldn't agree more about TC's robot status. I'm mostly just wondering how big the lifts in his shoes are. She's probs barefoot. 

MM: Natalie Portman in Dior Couture... lovely, elegant, safe. 
But damn, those diamonds! 
MR: While not a huge fan of her lady bug dress, Natalie Portman is stunning.  Her necklace looks like something a Bond villain would try to steal.  She’s so classy and Harvard educated to boot. While I fell in love with her the first time in 2004 (Garden State) and then out of love with her through her Jedi phase,  I think it’s time we reconnected. A

MR: I need her and a clean pair of shorts.  “Gloria” is so perfect.  She’s so glamorous.  She won’t be in sitcoms forever. A
MM: As much as it irks me, I have to agree; she just keeps getting better and better... and although we've seen this silhouette on her many times, when you're this gorgeous, who cares?! I love her bangles, the hair was just right, and her skin is flawless.

MR:  In the preshow, Tim Gunn had sex for the first time in 29 years with Michelle Williams’ look. Tim was all over it. I like it too. It’s simple. Any other dress color would have washed out her fair skin. Not in love with her super short pixie cut. While it looks cute on my six month old daughter, Michelle you’ve been rocking that for some time now. Grow out that hair kid. All that schtick aside, she looks great. B+
MM: *Dying* You never disappoint, Mike. I truly adore this dress! Its Louis Vuitton, and I think its gorgeous; the coral, the peplum, the sweet bow, even her pink lip and clutch = bullseye. I'm ready for her to grow her hair out, too, but it was a good balance with this dress. No crazy stripper hair to compete with anything else. One of my favorite looks of the night. Well done.

MR: David so cool, so handsome. Victoria so sour. She never looks happy to be anywhere...she’s filthy rich and married to the guy all ladies and some men really want to wreck. 
What’s there to be THIS grumpy about.  
Becks- A, Victoria- C-.  Couple B-
MM:  I love how PC you just were. :) Yes, I would love to "wreck" Becks. He is straight up delicious. Though he'd probably throw his back out with me, as he's used to throwing someone around who is the weight equivalent of a third grader. I can't hate on Posh, though; she is icy fierceness personified. And has incredible taste. You must understand, Mike, not smiling is her thing. 

MR: While I love Kate, this dress is a train wreck.  Looks like it was put together by the United States Army.  She can blend into any desert setting.  She’s amazing but the dress is not being all that it can be.  C+ (only this high b/c she’s my boo).
MM: I couldn't agree more! And believe me, it pains me to say it; this is Atelier Versace, but UGH. This is 1998? (Seriously if you could see one of my prom pics from '98, you'll see a similar dress in all black with straps in stead of sleeves.)
I mean, DUH, she's insanely gorgeous, and would look hot in a paper bag. Or, apparently, a camo bodysuit.  

MM: Well well, look who's back on solid foods since the SAG Awards. Thank goodness. I love Julie Bowen, & this dress is great on her. Coral is having such a moment right now, & so is she!
MR: I love it… bold Orange. Stands out but not in a peacock-ing way (looking at you Lizzy Banks). Both Modern Family ladies representing. A.

 MR: If the prince saw you in that dress, he would not kiss you and wake you up and no one would live happily ever after. This dress is more suited for the Wicked Queen.  D-.
MM: Hmmm, I just can't decide on this one. Part of me thinks she's still in character, part thinks she's too young for something like this...but part of me thinks its because she's so young and fresh, she can pull this off. Its an incredible gown. 

 MM: Oh Goop, you are lovely as always, but I'm kind of bored. 
Tom Ford is badass for sure, and all her Tracy Anderson-ing is always evident, but I like it better without the cape. 
MR: Wow- she looks better than she ever has.  Being married to the current king of wuss rock has done her wonders.  She’s a vision from head to toe.  That said,  I’d be remiss if I ignored the cape. Super Gwyneth, no… but superb, Gwyneth. Yes! 
A- (- for the cape)

MM: Come on, Penelope. She's either one of the most stunning women on the planet or wearing a couture prom dress from the 50's. Or both. Just lovely. Hair, jewels, makeup, spot on. 

 MR: I like Cameron going back to her “There’s Something About Mary” look here.  She’s pulling it off 14 years later.  That was one of the reasons everyone in that movie (and in America) fell in love with her.  She’s the kind of girl you kind of think you have a chance with.  B.
MM: While the bottom of her dress is reminiscent of a Lee Jofa flame fabric I just love, I'm not crazy about this gown as a whole. Granted, it gives us all a ticket to the gun show--damn!--and her body is insane. 

MR:  Not a fan of Sandra’s Oscar night attire.  But let’s face it, she can wear whatever she wants.  Young son, single mother… she’s already won an Oscar.  She still manages to make a ponytail look super glamorous.  Damn it, Miss Congeniality gets me again.  B-.
MM: Awwww, that's too sweet, MRobb. And yeah. I agree about the dress. I feel like that gorgeous beading is actually a bunch of hands coming around her waist; it reminds me of something from the 80's, and isn't my fave, but, then again, she's so gorgeous. They did a couple of tight shots of her throughout the show, and man, her skin is perfection
MM: Stacy, Stacy, Stacy. I am really trying to quell my overwhelming jealousy towards you for dating my boyfriend, but it isn't working. You are stunning, sweet, and oh so irritating. 

MR: I know better than to mess with her look.  She might make me eat her sh!t.  Seriously, I thought she looked great and I thought she was so deserving of that award.  Her dress looks great on her. B+
MM: I couldn't agree more! She is so lovely, and I love this dress for her. The color, the beading, the shape; it is all perfect for her special night. My girlfriends and I were screaming and clapping (ahem, and crying) when she won. Very well-deserved. 

MM: Why does Milla always look like she's about to murder someone? 
I think the dress is insanely gorgeous, though. 

MR: Ellie Kemper- Ellie's really the only Oscar night girl where bangs work.  Perfect with her cute personality. Unfortunately, her dress done not.  She needs something fun and simple…like her.  C+
 MM: Sorry, bro, but I have to disagree. This was one of my favorite looks of the night! The color of that dress with her gorgeous hair and even more beautiful skin is perfection to me. Her figure is amazing, and her accessories don't overpower all those sequins. She looks awesome! Wait, who is she again?

 MM: This is a tough one. Melissa McCarthy is one of my favorite comedic actresses (she is as kind in person as you'd hope!), but we all know its a challenge to dress a plus-size woman. I think she is beautiful, but the draping and color of the gown don't do her any favors. Speaking of this color, there was a slew of it on the carpet, and I didn't like it at all. 
What is it? Plum? Eggplant? Cerise? Friggin' Byzantium? 
I'll tell you what it is: gross. 

MR: I think I was most upset that she did not win an Oscar.  Her role in “The Help” was so touching.  That said, she looks great in the dress and her body looks quite toned.  Points off for the Fresh Prince of Bel Air haircut. B-
MM: There were mixed reviews out there for this, but I simply adore it; its my favorite color of all time, and I think she looks gorgeous in it! The woman is 46 years old, people; she looks incredible! Couldn't agree with you more about the hair, though.

 MR: Star of “What’s Your Number?” Anna Faris isn’t coming to get too many calls in this ensemble.  Looks like they let out Michelle Pfeiffer’s catwoman costume. She looks akward.  This is terrible. F
MM: I mean, really. What the hell? This is a hot mess, and wearing sequined long sleeves before 40, nay, 60, just seems...odd. There's nothing right about this look at all. Nothing.

MM: As if we weren't irritated enough with her after last year's awards (She is so super talented, but the "oh gee, me?! really?!?!?!" thing is waaaaay old. Own it already, Woman!), Melissa Leo shows up in this. 
I love her shoes, and its not that this is terrible, its just... kinda there. She's in great shape and is still young enough to pull off something slightly riskier. 

MM: ah, Meryl. My golden goddess. This woman can do no wrong. Even her acceptance speech was brilliant! I, too, felt the country's collective sigh at Viola not getting a golden statue of her own, but I just adore Meryl. Hopefully Viola will get another shot soon; she's incredible. 

 MM: ok, so maybe I have to retract my previous statement about the sleeves. This look also caused a stir, but I really like it! Its Valentino Couture, and I think it shows off her figure without going all Fergie, and the color and simplicity in its design are fresh and young to me. 

MR:  When I first became aware of her watching “The Help”…I thought she was Felicity Huffman’s prettier sister.  She’s looks gorgeous.  Her dress, while looking like a tapestry, does work for her and her complexion.  Her hair looks amazing.  Molls- I know you have a high level of ginger love.  Jessica’s doing nothing to change that.  A+
MM: Hand embroidered Alexander McQueen. She looks gorgeous in this piece of art, and her earrings and hair (you are SO right, MRobb! I love my gingers!) look perfect. Well done. 

MM: Too often female comedians don't rise to the occasion 
fashion-wise (Tina, I love you); just because you're funny doesn't mean you can't be beautiful too! Enter: Kristen Wiig. I think this dress is gorgeous on her, her hair is perfect, and she is really owning her status lately. She's big time, y'all! And she knows it.
 MR: While I love her (no-- I REALLY LOVE HER) there’s no love for her Oscar night attire. She’s wrapped in the bow from the Holiday Lexus commercials. She needs a sleek, sexy neckline.  
She’s young, fun and sexy….this dress is none of those things. C+ That said, I’m thinking if I can get her and JUST the bow…..she’d get an “Easy A”.
 MM: I have to agree once more; she's a beautiful girl, and I love that she takes fashion risks. But while her dress for the Globes was a hit, this was more of a miss for me.

 MR: Ugh. Where to start. She could have benefitted from Michelle Williams' use of color. The top half of the dress looks terrible with her body type (zero boobies)… the bottom is nice but it takes me awhile to get there. Hate the bangs with the hair up… is that a “Super Cut” or a “Great Clip”? Guessing she did it herself with a Tupperware bowl. Rooney- understand the look for Lisbeth… hate it for you on Oscar night.  F.
MM: I know!!! I haven't read the books, haven't seen the movie, so I don't really get it...but I think she got her Oscar invite and thought it was a call sheet. I mean, break character already. 

MR: Rose looks like she should come with at least 101 dalmations (Cruella much?).  Is it a dress…is it a Jazzy Beegees pant suit?  Not a huge fan of the over one shoulder look. Reminds me of Andre the Giant’s wrestling attire.  Nothing special about her hair. D+
MM: Someone hasn't been reading their WWD, Michael. ;)
The one shoulder is back in full effect, and this Vivienne Westwood gown is nice, but I have only one thing to say to Ms. Byrne: Please go find a cheeseburger right now. And EAT IT.
MM: JLo, I love you. I really do. And while you get points for the Marilyn-esque qualities of this dress, your strategically placed clutch, and your bangin' figure... those chicken cutlets cutouts are drawing my eye away from the loveliness, and making me dislike the whole thing. Oh, MRobb, did you see the Nip Slip?!
MR: Just when I think I’m out, she pulls me back in.  While I don’t like the sleeves on her dress, she looks absolutely gorgeous.  She always has one of the best updos in Hollywood.  J-Lo absolutely gets what it means to be "A-List".  The gratuitous nipple shots don’t hurt either.  Love her.  A-

Now, on to the boys... 
Yes please. 
Matter of fact, I'll take two.

 Dapper Diddy. 
Or Sean Combs. 
Or whomever; he looks great.

I am a Pharell FAN. 
Loved seeing him play with the "house band" 
(cool feature in an otherwise fairly boring awards show, no?)... He is HOT. 

Not loving the black on black, Jonah. 
But points for good hair. 

You, Sir, are delicious, but that 'stache makes me feel like you might drive the kind of van with no windows, and doors that don't open from the inside. 
And possibly has ice cream "for sale". 
I'm thinking that 'stache is wanted for murder in four states. 
It will definitely haunt my dreams. 
Sure, maybe it is for a "movie role"... 

But all joking aside, do I need to trigger an Amber Alert?

Some other favorite moments:
 How awesome were they?! 
Trying desperately to bring some humor to a dry evening. 
They can come clang their cymbals at my house anytime.
Love, love, love. 

I'm sure you all saw/heard about this:
That crazy Sacha dictator.

Hotness at the after parties:
 So basically these are parties where they assemble all the people they will use to re-populate the earth should this whole Mayan calendar thing go down. 
 I mean, really, these are actual human beings?
(HOW are they so gorgeous?!)
 That sideboob just ordered a martini. 
Extra dirty. 
Call me crazy, but I love this dress on her! 
I'm over the lavender hair, though, Kell.  
Methinks that ship has sailed. 
If I were to go to an Oscar after party, 
this is what I would wear. 
If I looked like Maria Sharapova. 
How unbelievably gorgeous are they?!
Who wants to bet they have the most fun?
I want to be their new best friend!
 Whoa. Wait a second. 
Is that...?
Could that be...?
Looking absolutely stunning, I might add, in Roberto Cavalli.
This warrants a closer look.
And rocking some serious arm candy in the form of The Hunger Games star Liam Hemsworth.
For me, this was the fashion surprise 
(and highlight) of the evening!

Lest we not forget, she looked like this about five seconds ago:
 Well done, young lady. 
 Because he's awesome
The End.
 Heidi & Brooklyn. 
No words. 
But most likely lots of champagne.
Don't drink the water, ladies...
or THIS could happen to YOU!

And of course, it wouldn't be an Oscar re-cap if we didn't talk about THIS:
I mean, come on. 
Aside from looking like a stick figured bobble-head, 
she's gorgeous. 
And of course, that leg...

It has it's own Twitter account, and I'm already tired of hearing about it. Keep an eye out for this week's SNL, though.

Ok, kids, that's a wrap. 

Thank you, once again, Mike, for your always entertaining commentary. MUCH love. 

Thank you for checking in; I'd love to know whose looks you loved (and didn't love)
on Oscar night. 

Keep in touch.
I plan to.