my husband david is in california. i am not.
we have often heard the phrase "lobsters mate for life"...
and it has become a symbol for us.
with that in mind, for our 6th year anniversary, i compiled a fetching group of photos to express my love for you in lobster form.
(all images above via pinterest)
'cept for this:
lobsters don't mate for life.
turns out a female lobster can mate only after she sheds her shell.
(there's plenty of symbolism there,
but i'm not going into that right now...)
pro: the female chooses the male she wants to mate with.
con: once she's made up her mind, the female stands outside of the male's den and pees, releasing her pheromone/aka love juice.
(peeing in public?! can you imagine how that would
go down in civilized society?)
the male then splashes himself with her, um, love juice, and permeates his den with the scent.
super. lobsters are into urolagnia. they're so freaky.
then the game playing begins:
the male charges out of his den claws raised aggressively.
the female, of course, responds by either
a. boxing with him
(kick his ass, seabass!)
b. turning away. so original.
(insert debbie downer soundbite here: waah waaaaah.)
finally, when he chillaxes enough to run a few smooth lines by her, and she finds herself more or less ready to party,
she puts her claws on his head.
the couple then enter his den, and he
shows her where the magic happens.
because i am a scientific expert, this is probably what it looks like:
unfortunately for our gal, this guy isn't always true blue.
"who? this? oh....this is nobody baby, this is...
uh...the housekeeper. no, really! i promise."
they probably click around on the tele, watch some crap reality show marathons, or perhaps the entire scrubs box set, and then anywhere from a few hours to a few days later, she molts.
at this point he could either mate with her or eat her.
i can't even think of a witty enough comment to write here.
he gently turns her fragile, exposed body over, "being careful not to tear her soft flesh"...geeez. the websites i'm getting this info from are starting to make this all sound like a sordid nora roberts novel.
anyway, they do the deed. sparks fly.
the male of course "retains his hard shell"...uh huh.
surely he's proud of it.
he probably makes jokes about it with his lobster buddies.
has no qualms about adjusting his "hard shell" in public,
even when his lobster date expresses outright embarrassment.
after her new shell grows, in about a week, she leaves the safety of his den and they part ways without so much as a backward glance.
at least she's got a cute new outfit on and
he's the one doing the walk of shame... player.
all that's neither here nor there, and you probably just learned way more than you ever intended to about lobsters.
(but hey, now you singles have new information to share on a date, and perhaps a new strategy to try when you get to that
"possible awkward kiss at the door" moment.
girls, just be careful not to pee on his shoes.
that stuff really doesn't come out.)
regardless of whether or not they mate for life,
lobsters certainly are tasty.
wish i were sharing some with you today, my love.
you have been very un-lobster like in your love and support
over the past 6 years, and for that, i thank you.
and i love you.
with all of my heart.